surround yourself with what you want most

Life, seems to be, what you make of it.

Last month I was kind of bummed out about the fact that things were slowing down, and that the holidays were over, and that I was missing time spent with my friends back at home. I didn't really see where my life here was heading. It was really frustrating, honestly.

But things are slowly getting better.

Yes, there are some things that I still need to do and accomplish by myself, and things I need to work on and focus on... but you know what, your attitude towards things really makes a lot of difference. 

I'm starting to figure out my life here, in Washington. 

I'm coming to the realization that I will not (at least for a while) be able to make all kinds of trips home like I originally planned. When it comes down to it, I don't have the money. And I don't have the time, and honestly... I can't afford spend so much of my time and efforts focusing on home, because that is time that I could make my ACTUAL life (not my OLD life) better. Things don't need to be BETTER at home. Things are falling into place. The most valuable people in my life are staying there, and the less valuable people are falling away. I did delete all of those people from my facebook account... and although it is far less interesting, I am totally comfortable saying what I wish- and I spend less time clicking through pages of people that I hardly know in real life. I hear from the people that I love and miss, and those are important relationships to me.

And here,  I am slowly developing friendships too. It takes a lot of time. It's not like college, it's not like being forced into RA training classes where you make friends in a matter of hours. It's hard, and difficult to even know where to begin finding people that are like you enough to spend time with and bond. Luckily, I met Anna while walking my dog. She has a dog too. She is really funny and nice, and she introduced me to her friend Chelsea- who is similar to Anna. This past week the 3 of us spent the day together and drove to a Chipotle that was an HOUR away. We had a great time, and the cool thing was that I never felt like the 3rd wheel. And we all had similar interests. Through them, I met a girl tonight that seems pretty cool too. Whether or not the two of us would be friends is yet to be seen, but its possible. The trouble is, all of these girls are married to Navy guys, which means that eventually they will be moving away. Much sooner than me. Actually, the reason why I met this new girl was because Anna just got news that she will be moving to Italy in August of this year. Which is great... but at the same time kind of stinks for me- because she IS so nice... and I know I will miss her, and to be frank, I will have to replace her. So I am now going to try to be as out going as I can, and try to meet Anna's other friends, and maybe establish a group of friends that will rotate in and out... but last me the duration of me living here. 

The other thing is, I need to get a little more Proactive at work. If I feel like I'm not being trained, I need to find a way to fix that. If people don't take time to show me an informational video on what I need to sell, then I need to find the time to do it my self. Because what I am learning, is that no one has time. No one (in any job) really has time to focus on both what they need to be doing, and what you need to be doing... all the time. I mean, there are different degrees of this, of course. But instead of feeding the fire and blaming everyone else for what is not being done, I need to be able to say, "This is the situation I was given, and THIS is how I tried to fix it". And that is the best I can possibly do for now.

In other news, my Mom and Step Dad are looking to come visit this spring! I am really excited to show them Tim & my place, and our town, and where we are living. I am also excited that the guest bedroom will FINALLY be used for its ACTUAL purpose- not just for its storage space. I miss my mom a lot, and I think she will be happy to know that I am safe and am living well. We hope to go on the Seattle Underground Tour while they are here, which I heard is really great. How exciting. 

Anyway, good things will come to you if you believe in them. That's what I think. 

the start of my "new year(s goals)"

I was watching Oprah the other day (which I think is a great show, by the way) and the episode was about a new show that CBS will air, starting right after the Super Bowl. It is about CEO's of major companies working undercover with the people at the lowest jobs their companies have, and learning about the jobs themselves, and the people that do them. At the end, they reveal themselves as the boss' that they are, and tell the people what they plan on doing to make the jobs of these people better.
In the clips of what will be on the show, there was one man that seemed to stand out to me. His job was with Waste Management, and he would have to chase down pieces of paper that were flying around a landfill and put them in garbage bags. He had to fill 15 bags an hour to be in quota. When the CEO tried to do it, he couldn't. The show then revealed that the man that would do this for a living was on kidney dialysis 3x a week, on his days off. He said that he didn't understand why people with perfectly healthy bodies wouldn't do more with themselves, that he did all he could to enjoy the the health he did have.

I guess it's all a matter of attitude.

I have decided that I am starting fresh this month. This will be the beginning of my "New Year". There are some things I need to work on, to get where I want to be... but everything is going to take time. And everything I do now will work towards where I want to be in the future.

...

I am reading "7 Habits of Highly Effective People" right now. I am finding it to be a more complicated version on "7 Habits of Highly Effective Teens" which was actually written later by the son of the author. I was given the Teen version for Christmas from my mom, which I despised her for, but actually ended up reading. Anyway, I want to get through the adult version, which I know at least talks about how to focus your life toward many different interests, rather than just 1 or 2... which I seem to be doing at the moment.

I applied to get a valid passport about a week ago. The best news was that I did not need my birth certificate (which I do not have here) in order to apply for it, my old passport which was returned to me from the Department of State (after it was stolen) actually was enough evidence that I, was me. It will be here in 4 to 6 weeks. After which I can prove to volunteer opportunities my identity, as well as looking forward to getting to Vancouver, Canada sometime (I heard it is BEAUTIFUL there) soon.

I took Champion to the vet. He is all caught up with his shots now... well, he actually needs a booster shot soon for one that he got 2 weeks ago... but so far so good. Although he was completely out of control at the vet and now has me thinking that I need to reconsider neutering him, at least he is now up to date. I just hope that his now "itching" problem is due to dry skin and NOT fleas... which I admit, I have not been following to prevent.

I got an agenda book for half price. It's really nice and not too detailed at all, but I like it. It would be an absolute embarrassment to the agenda books from college (all of those RA meetings and highlighted things I needed to attend- color coded based on importance...) but right now I use it to write down my work schedule. I hope to fill it more completely, of course, when I have more things to do.

I bought a box (it's pretty) and I am starting to save for my trip back home. I have decided that I am going to put $60 per pay check into it. If I get an overly generous paycheck, then I will put more. I get paid bi-weekly so I figure I should at least be able to save $500 by June, which would be more than enough to pay for a plane ticket and then some to spend on Margaritas on rooftop bars in Manhattan. (sigh) I also plan to put any extra money I get sent for holidays or whatever into the box. It seems like a solid plan.

I started hanging out with friends more actively. I recently have found that the girls that live near me are actually very much like me (in stable relationships, not slutty, looking for things to do around here, reasonable, college educated, working small jobs) and I really enjoy their company. I hope to become better friends with them, but really getting myself out there instead of waiting for friendships to just magically appear.

And speaking of "friends". I went on a facebook "friend" deleting rampage. I went from 366 friends to a solid 100. I did this because of a few events, but also because it occurred to me that I was friends with a lot of people that I would not be comfortable talking to in real life. And that not only could these people see everything about my life and what I am up to, but that I could see information about them that really just made me a nosy, nosy person. I didn't like who I was becoming and I didn't like that my information was just out there for all of these random people to judge. So I got rid of everyone I hadn't talked to in a while, and that I would probably never talk to again. I have to admit, my facebook "news feed" is far less interesting, but it was worth it. And it takes a lot less of my time.

...

So that is my start. I have a few goals for February that I hope to accomplish, but I am taking each month as it comes, and basing what I hope to achieve on what I have already done. I plan to make significant progress before the summer comes.

Here's to it!

so this is it

I've been feeling weird lately.

The weather around here has been a steady 50-55 degrees and rainy. I sometimes have to remind myself that it isn't March, only January. Still. I can't say that I miss the constant cold and freezing temperatures of New York. I certainly don't miss scraping the frost off of my car windows, and me usually running late- driving dangerously, only being able to ACTUALLY see through the size of a dinner plate- size area. Wow, that was not safe. Anyway.

I think it is just about now, that it starts sinking in where I live, and what I am doing- or not doing with myself. The other day I was at work and for some reason it hit me that I drove for 6 DAYS to get here. It also occurred to me that the time it will take for me to get home by plane will be almost 4 TIMES the time it used to take me to get back to Saratoga from New York City. On that note, it will also be about 4 TIMES as expensive. Damnit. I am really starting to long for a trip away, a trip full of familiar faces.

The other thing I am noticing is that the novelty of living here, and the big move, and my new job, is starting to wear off. Not- seeing new things or the city of Seattle itself. But the day to day things are not new anymore. And now that the holidays are over and I can't put my focus into working a million hours at my job, or decorating the house, or getting gifts for my family back at home and worrying about how I would send them... life is slow. Really slow. And the responsibilities that I used to try to squeeze in, like laundry or walking the dog, back in December used to be a burden (maybe that's an extreme word...)- where as now they are what makes up my life.

I have only my job, and Tim, in my life right now. There is nothing else I really do. There is nowhere I go that I really enjoy. I don't take classes, I don't volunteer, I don't workout, I don't have some kind of hobby I can follow, and I really don't have any friends around here that I can meet up with and have a good time. I am REALLY boring. And bored. And it honestly makes me into a person that I myself wouldn't want to be around. Because there is such a lack of excitement in my life, I rely on what I do have (ie Tim, and work) to make up for all the rest that is lacking. Which in turn, makes me dislike my job even MORE than I already do.

And poor Tim. He puts up with a lot from me. Job- wise we are polar opposites (he works ALL the time and has no time left for fun, where I am now hardly working and don't really even appreciate that I have time off). And because he isn't around that often, and it now feels like I've just been waiting all day to see him, I put this enormous pressure on him to make the most of his time home (aka our time together) and so he never gets to rest. To make matters worse, in the rare occasion that he is off and I am working (usually on a weekend), he finally has enough time to catch up on his sleep, and then do other things. And I, really honestly not meaning to, get jealous of the fact that he is spending time out and about with his friends, which he is usually too tired to do with me. It's really a vicious cycle.

So long story short, or rather, just long story- I need to find more to do. I have a plan to start looking for volunteer opportunities around here. It would keep me busy, and would look great on a resume when I start looking for other jobs. I also decided that FEBRUARY will be "my" start of the New Year- during which I will try to get to the gym in the apartments more often... and if I am successful- perhaps join a gym around here. I need to get my new passport. And I am going to try harder to get out of the house and to pursue the friendships that I had started a while ago. Maybe I will become more brave, and on a day that I am off I will go to explore Seattle by myself (but I'm sort of waiting for the weather to get warmer for that one). I guess the first step is getting started. Hmm?

goodbye, old neighbor

I'm off from work today and outside my apartment couldn't be any louder.

Our neighbor from next door is moving out. Well, not HIM... apparently he hired a team of movers to move him out, who like to bang things around and laugh and joke with each other. Ughhh. Anyway, it is not a terribly sad thing that he is moving out. For both the good and bad, its almost like he never existed. He was someone high up in the Navy, he lived alone, he was hardly home, and he could barely manage to grunt out a "hello" when we would pass him. On one hand, it good that he wasn't home. He didn't make any noise. But on the other, he was totally lame and it doesn't seem like it would be difficult for the new neighbors to be any kind of "upgrade". I'm keeping my fingers crossed that someone cool will move in, maybe a young Navy couple that Tim and I could invite over if we make too many hamburgers for dinner one night. Or at least some young people that wouldn't mind the noise if we had some people over every so often. The only thing is that we live in a 3-bedroom apartment (which is the same next door) and it is probably more likely that we will get new neighbors, with kids in tow- just like the woman who replaced Bama and Justin downstairs (very lame).

Anyway... I feel like there hasn't been much going on lately. Things at work have calmed down quite a bit from the holiday season (which everyone claims they miss?), but I like it because I can finally focus a bit on what I am supposed to be doing/ learning. Not that I REALLY care. I still have my mind set that I am going to find a new job this year in something that I actually WANT to do. But I have recently decided that I have to stop feeling sorry for everyone else, and feeling guilty for the fact that they have hired me to do a job and that I want to leave. The whole job thing, is really just a game. Everyone seems to watch out for only themselves. For example, I have come in early for people, covered shifts, and done favors for almost all of the managers at one time or another. But when I need a shift covered... however important it may be that I get it covered, NO ONE helps me out. Everyone just constantly does things for themselves. So am I going to learn all these new things about my job? Sure. Am I going to finish my computer training and milk those extra 60 hours that I have been given? Yes. And am I going to look for a new job at the same time? You bet.

I have been thinking a lot about my trip home lately.

It doesn't help to hear that "Empire State of Mind" song on the radio, which really just brings back that feeling of going out on the town with my best friends on a Friday night when I lived in Manhattan... knowing that the weekend was coming, getting all dressed up and ready in my room, and then hitting the town- not knowing what to expect of the night, but looking up at the HUGE buildings surrounding us, and just being silly, and just being completely consumed by the city itself.

I miss it. I miss it so badly sometimes. Which makes me think about the trip I am planning to go back home. I originally wanted to go back in the spring. But I've since decided that the summer would be a better plan, if nothing else, so that I can pack lighter. Also, Jennifer who recently moved to Austria, said that she was planning on coming back for her friends wedding in the summer... so I thought "how cool would it be if we both came back to New York at the same time and could see each other?"... so that was what I was planning on. 

Since then, it just seems like everything has just "snowballed" into this big thing. I found out that the wedding that Jennifer is coming home for is July 24th. Which is a good time of year, but later than I expected... and just happens to be a DAY after Tim and my 3 year anniversary- and 2 days after Tim's birthday. So, that weekend I would assume Tim and I would be doing something together. BUT Tim doesn't know his schedule... at all... and thinks there might be a chance that he would be out to sea around that time. So, he may not be around anyway. Which really frustrates me, because I can never make ANY plans. And on that note, because of Tim not knowing his schedule, I don't want to make plans to go back to New York and risk that Tim would be LEAVING while I was gone... or it be his last week home. And as far as Jennifer goes, I guess that's probably just not going to happen... because no matter what, I should probably plan (if nothing else) on being around for Tim's birthday and our Anniversary.

If I think about it all too much or too hard, I get really really frustrated. If I try to accommodate EVERYONES schedule into my own so that I can see all of my friends, not only will it not work out, but I will just be the stressed out one in the long run. So I am going to set some priorities. The first is Tim. I will be here for his birthday and our Anniversary, unless I hear far ahead of time that he will be out to sea. From there, things are still open, for now. But what it may come down to are: the cheapest flights, and me just letting people know when I will be arriving... and whoever has time or will be around... great. 

New Year 2010

Happy New Years 2010!

Oh gosh. Can you BELIEVE its 2010 already? The other day I was thinking about when I was in High School. I got a class ring when I was a freshman(?) that said 2003 on it. And I wore it just about every single day. And I would look at that ring and LONG for 2003. And now it is 7 years (7 YEARS!) later... I am 3 years away from a 10 year high school reunion. ew. 

Anyway, last year I was very eager to make 2009 a BETTER year than the last. To make it in some ways productive, or move ahead in life. NOT to stay at Banana Republic, and to either move back to New York City or to somehow get a worth while job in Saratoga Springs. I didn't have any specific resolutions... just to make things better than they were.

Well, I would say 2009 was definitely an eventful year. Obviously, the major part of it being that I moved across the country (which somehow really still hasn't hit me yet)- away from both Saratoga and my job at Banana Republic. 

But I think I can take a lot more from that move than meets the eye. For example, no matter what kind of resolutions you make on New Years Eve, things are going to happen to you that are completely unplanned for, and it is how you deal with them that really makes the year "Better" than the last. I didn't plan on moving out here last year, but it has turned out to be a really good decision. First, because it is really the first step of my life together with Tim. We are starting off totally fresh, and there is no dispute that this is OUR apartment. I can't run to my dad's when things get tough (or at all anymore, but that's another story). I don't know anyone out here that is part of my daily life. No one lives near me. The friends we make are new, and are OUR friends. There is no Saratoga-I know everyone in this town from High School- feeling going on. And thats good.

The other part is that I am growing up within my family. I am on my own. I am not asking for any kind of help from anyone- I'm not counting on them for anything, and I can't be let down. I've been in an interesting situation with my step-mom over the past few months that has really shed a light on her true personality. The best thing for me though, is that I have been SO far away from them, that it can't affect me like it used to. I can let things simmer. Because I am not in the middle of it, my reaction time can be slower, or non existent. And I can carry on relationships with the people I choose to. It puts a different perspective on things, when you live so far away.

Last, I have new places to explore. New friends to make, and experiences to have. I think I am learning that I don't have to fear loosing my best friends to distance. Sometimes distance is actually nice, because it sorts out the people that care from those who don't as much. The real ones and I will stay in touch. I will come back to visit, and they might visit me. And so knowing that I have some good friends on the sidelines, I'm ready to play the game out here and make some new ones. Over time, of course. 

NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS

I do have some things I want to focus on this year. Obviously, to learn more about where I am living... get more comfortable in Seattle... finally make it to the Seattle Art Museum. I want to be comfortable driving to places like Tacoma (about an hour away), which has more to offer than where I live, without being afraid of getting lost. I might start pursuing where I left off with my college credits and how I will be able to finish off a degree. I also want to volunteer. Maybe this month. I want to be able to put on a resume that I have volunteered long enough that I can offer one of the supervisors as a resource. 

But my main goal for this New Year is to really, actively, look for another job. 

This is for a few reasons. 

S*** might hit the fan pretty soon. The manager above me sounds firm about leaving his position at the end of this month. And like I have explained before, I am next in line to take over his job. I am not trained to do my own job yet. I am far from taking his job. But I have a feeling that whether or not I take it, things roll downhill, and I will not be paid more to cover his old responsibilities. I can't really handle my own yet, and this might soon turn into a mess.

Also, things have been really frustrating there lately. They are really unorganized, and lately everyone has been playing the blame game and blaming other people for why they can't do things. Everyone is talking behind each other's backs, and usually the conversation reverts back to the Store Manager, and how miserable she has been lately. It's really annoying. And some of the managers are two-faced. They will talk to you like they are your best friend, and then screw you over in some other way.

Over the week of New Years, I had one day off scheduled before New Years Eve. That morning I got a phone message from the Assistant Manager, saying that she was really sick and to call her back. I didn't have her home number, and long story short- I called the store and ended up working her 12:30- 9:30 shift. 

I was okay with doing her a favor- but I figured that maybe she might cover a shift for me in the same week, and seeing that I was the ONLY manager scheduled to work BOTH New Years Eve & New Years Day, that maybe she could take the New Years Day one so that I could enjoy at least a little bit of the holiday. Of course not. When I called her to ask if she would cover it, I had to leave a message with her husband... who called me back telling me that she was so sick and had a "4 day" flu. ???? What. I guess 4 days was just over the 3 day time span it would have been if she had come in for me. That really got me upset. So there I was, riding a ferry back from Seattle at 7am so that I could be to work by 10am. Yup.

And then THIS morning I was called in to work earlier than I was on the schedule for. I am starting to HATE being called into work. I am not the President of the United States. I do not RUN a major company. No one will be hurt, or die, if I do not show up to work. But the pressure is like those things would happen. I can't stand it. Either schedule me, or don't, but let me at least plan out my given time off?

My dad says retail is terrible. He's been in it long enough to know. He says that you usually will get paid a decent amount, but you never actually get paid enough for the work you are doing. And in that way, it can become a trap- because you think that you are making a decent amount of money- so you are less likely to look for another job- but in the end, you could be making a LOT more. And that's the truth.

SO I am going to start looking for a new job. Something that will be good enough to leave the one I have. Something, in an ideal world, that would be 9-5ish... Monday to Friday. Maybe in Seattle (although I would be commuting every day). Maybe not. But something in my field of Marketing, and somewhere where I have the opportunity to eventually move up. Something that I look forward to doing. Health benefits would be awesome. But we'll see. So now, my only real New Years resolution is to look for a new job. Yes.

holidays and the navy

I haven't posted in a while.

I think it is mostly because I don't feel like I have been doing anything WORTH writing about. I don't really know how to treat this blog, because sometimes I have dreams that this will be something that will become popular, that people moving to the Seattle area would want to read for tips and advice. Other times, I just think that I am writing for myself, just to say things how I want to say them, without someone interjecting their advice. And then I remember that I have a few friends that supposedly "subscribe" to this and CAN read my entries, but I wonder if they actually do... and at what level they actually CARE about what is going on with me. Anyway.

There really hasn't been a lot going on. Work is getting busier... which can be expected of the Holidays. This week I am working almost 40 hours, which is a lot when you are standing 7 1/2 of the 9 hours a day. The good news is that I am getting more and more comfortable with the store and what I should be doing. I am on the "good" list (not an actual list) of my manager, maybe because she is starting to see that I am capable of getting things done and running the store on my own.
However, there are some things that still trouble me a bit. Like the fact that when I am working with the girl who's job I took over, it always seems that she is assigned to some task that was in her old job description (aka now mine). And I don't understand why I haven't been assigned to do it. Maybe because the store manager is just used to the other girl... and knows that she knows what she is doing and can get in done faster than I can. Maybe because the store manager doesn't really have the time to train me right now. Or maybe because I honestly didn't know what I was doing when I first arrived, and now the store manager doesn't think that I can handle it, so she bypasses me and has the old girl do it.
I just wish I knew. Because it really feels like I am being undermined. And I am angry that no one is showing me what I am supposed to do in my job. And on top of all of that, the guy that is supposed to over-see me in what I do, keeps bringing up that he is planning on quitting after the holidays are over. I don't know if he will actually do it, he doesn't have another job lined up yet. But if he did, I would be the logical successor of him, which I am completely incapable of doing- since no one has shown me how to do the job that I am supposedly in right NOW. I guess we'll see how it goes, but honestly, if the position were offered to me I don't know if I would take it- because I would be working 40 hours a week, and I am hoping to have the time to find a job in Seattle before the end of next year.

In other news, I am starting to make some friends around here. There's Anna... who I met while walking my dog, and who invited Tim and I to Thanksgiving dinner with her friends (which we did). There's Chelsea, who is friends with Anna- both of their husbands work on the same Aircraft Carrier in the Navy. There's Ashleigh- who is the wife of Tim's friend Patrick. And then there's Sarah, who I work with.
I think all of these girls have potential in their own ways to be better friends with me in the future, but lately I have really missed my friends at home. I just really miss sitting down with a good friend who I can say what ever is on my mind to, and they know me and understand, and don't think of me in any different way for what I am feeling on different days. And its hard to even have a conversation about what is going on with me right now, because they don't know anything at all- so for everything I say, I have to tell 3 stories about how I got to the place where I am.
And on some levels, it doesn't seem like I have that much in common with the people out here. Or at least the girls in this town. BECAUSE it is a Navy town (really) it just seems like the whole place is being run but a bunch of Navy wives, constantly waiting for their husbands to return. Which is fine- but they look at me like I have 3 heads when I tell them that I have been dating Tim for 2 1/2 years and I am not engaged. Military wives seem to be married within the first 2 years of knowing their new husbands (and that is generous- it seems more like 1 year). And the other night, I was out to dinner with Chelsea and her friends and one of the girls just got engaged- and was already talking about having kids in the next year or so. She might have been 21. I just don't know how to relate to people like that. The only thing we have in common is that we are with someone in the military, and that we (for now) are working in the same mall. And you know what, it showed. It was very nice of Chelsea to invite me but it was SO awkward. It's starting to look like I will need a job in Seattle, for the sole purpose of meeting some non- military affiliated people.

Speaking of the Navy.

Until I moved here, I didn't really think about military life that much. I was just dating Tim, and he, in my mind- had a job with wacky hours (rotating shift work). I didn't really think of him as in the Navy, per say. But now that I am here, I can't get away from it.
I am very torn about how to feel about the Navy. The seemingly RIGHT way to feel about it is the way you see stories about military families on TV. Like, Oh... isn't it so nice to have these fine young men serving our country, defending our freedom.... la la la. And oh... what about the wives and families of these honorable men! They are so strong to support our troops and wait at home for their husbands, and to raise their children while they wait! What a great support unit! What a great and wonderful American family!

But I don't feel like that. I was not raised in a military family. Not even close. My parents were divorced, but in both homes my parent (unit) worked like a team. Everyone was home at night. The man made dinner. The woman cleaned the house. Both worked during the day. We always ate dinner together. The End.
So I am starting to have a bit of a problem with the Navy. I think it is terrible that families are torn apart. That these kids not only have to move all over the country/world... but they have to grow up BARELY knowing their father, and with moms that have #1. No aspiration of having a life of their own #2. Are raising the entire family all by themselves with a distant paycheck coming in to help her pay for things. The Navy has TOTAL control over everything. When Tim first arrived here, the guys he worked with had been working 5 WEEKS STRAIGHT without a single day off. They can't say "no, I'm not going to do that". They can't look for another job. They can't join a union that will protect them. They can't do anything.
One day Tim was going to work on a Sunday. He said he would be home around 4 ish and we would have dinner together. Around 5, I got a phone call that he found out that he was on "duty" and that he would have to spend the night there- and wouldn't be home until 5pm the next day. WTF. And I know, things could be worse... he could not be here at ALL... I guess... but to me this is INSANE. If I showed up at work one day and they said the same thing to me, I would say "this job isn't worth this" and I would walk out.
Anyway, this is sort of the jist of what happens with the Navy. Nothing is ever set in stone. Tim has no forseeable days off, and when he finally does get days off... after 3 straight weeks of work, he finds out THE DAY BEFORE he has them off, so it allows ZERO time for me to try to re-arrange my schedule that that I can be home with him. He thinks he has to work Christmas Eve, and won't be home till Christmas day (no one knows what time). We can't make any definate plans for New Years, we can't make definate plans for ANYTHING. It really sucks. The only good thing is that Tim makes a decent amount of money. But you know what, its not worth the amount of work that he does everyday. And if I had to choose between more money and not seeing him, or less money and living like normal people... it would be an easy decision. I just hope that this doesn't REALLY get to me. That is in part, why I need to get a job in Seattle that I enjoy. To give me something bigger to focus on. Because if I am in this same situation for too much longer, I can't promise that this life style isn't going to get to me in a major way... aka moving back to New York.

24

update.

Last week my cup was over flowing.

job.

I had a million things going on at my job. I have finally gotten to a point where I am accepting that the job I have right now, I will not be leaving in the near future. I have multiple reasons. But it all comes down to the fact that I need something stable, I need to be there for them for the holiday season, and I need to get some good references from this job, and leaving in the middle of December would not accomplish that. I am starting to get into the work. I am trying to actually learn how to do things, and how to get better at what I do. The progress is slow, but steady. It still frustrates me that I don't know what I did at my old job, and that sometimes I am expected to meet these unattainable goals in short periods of time. I try to go with the flow of things, but sometimes I really can't keep up.

home.

In my social life, everything was also crazy. I had decided that I needed more time to myself (the end of my last post), and so was working on that. Just as I had made that decision however, Tim's friend Patrick and his wife Ashley arrived from New York and had come to also move to Silverdale. Tim and I had set up the guest room just in time, getting pillows and blankets for the bed, not to mention a new bed frame and box spring. We invited them to stay with us as long as it would take to find a place to live, and to receive their furniture. Luckily, they were able to find a nice place within a day of coming to Silverdale. However, the furniture was another issue. Ashley was planning on going to Texas for a while, and so wouldn't be around for the furniture men to come and deliver things. Apparently, they were told that they would have to be around all day long to get their things. This pushed back the shippment date to November 9th. Which would mean waiting 2 additional weeks for furniture.

Yep. And while Ashley and Patrick are very nice people to be around and not overwhelming at all, there is just something about having guests stay at your house for over a certain period of time. I'm sure everyone knows what I mean. It's not that you don't like your guests, its that sometimes everyone needs some space and things become difficult when you are living different lifestyles in the same house. A lot of the time, I didn't even know whether someone was home at the same time as me, or not. I didn't know what time they were coming in and out, I didn't know how we were handling the food situation, and I didn't know at what point to re-claim the living room... even if only for half an hour.

On top of that, Champion had become a monster. I don't know why. It might be because Patrick and Ashley have been around and he hasn't gotten the attention that he's used to. It might also be because he was bored, and for a while didn't have any toys or snacks to chew on. I really don't know. But in a short period of time, we have had a few major incidents with him. One being that he went into the guest bedroom and helped himself to 2 chocolate bars out of Ashley's suitcase while Patrick was home. Patrick brought him to the pet hospital and $500 later, Champion survived with only a shaved band around his arm. The other incident was when I came home in the middle of the day, and Champion had taken my library book off the kitchen table and had shred the back cover and about 2 chapters worth the paper all over the floor. So much for saving money by getting books at the library, right? On top of those two things, he had been peeing all over the house, and just shredding almost anything he could find when he was home alone. 

Because of all of this going on, Tim and I had a hard time getting on the same page. I felt like all I would do was household chores and hostess our guests. I didn't take any time for myself, in any way. I saw things one way, and he would see them another. We had communication issues, which would always lead to talks that 3x longer than if we had addressed the problems as they came. I felt like I couldn't relate to anyone, and I couldn't get away from my environment.

break.

Friday of last week I came home after a rough day at work, exhausted. It seemed like nothing was going right. I decided I would go on my laptop for a while to calm down, and I heard Champion chewing something unfamiliar. So I went to see what it was, and it was my RETAINER. The one that I've had for years... that cost about $400. Not that I wear it every night, but I would occasionally, to keep my teeth straight. Well now its gone. And getting a new one would require me to get to an orthodontist to make a mold of my teeth and fit me for a new one. That was the straw that broke the camel's back.

I decided that I was going to go to the gym in our apartment complex and work out. I felt like I could hardly breathe. I was just going to explode. I was tired of neighbors/ visitors. I was tired of fighting. I didn't have my own space, I didn't have communication. All I had was a chewed up library book, chewed retainer, and my anger to show for the week. I ran around the house looking for the iPod. Gone. Tim had taken it in the car with him that morning. Of course he did. So I just went to the gym anyway and ran/elliptical-ed about 4 miles. It felt so good. I just wanted to get out my energy and go to bed. 

reality.

That Friday night, when Patrick and Ashley got home I was already in bed. I tossed and turned to get myself to sleep at 10pm. It wasn't working. It didn't help that the last time I had eaten was 2pm. Champion had to go outside and kept crying near the bed for me to take him out. Finally I came to my senses and decided that just because I was so fed up, didn't mean that I could take it out on a dog who was waiting for me to take him on his nightly walk. So thats what I did. I left my cell phone in the house. 

When we got back, I went into the kitchen to find something to eat. I was starving. I heard Patrick's phone ring from the guest room, hear him answer, and then come out of the door. He handed the phone to me, it was Tim, calling to make sure that everything was okay. Tim was at work on his "swing" shift which meant that he was working till 12pm. He was worried when I wasn't answering my phone. I talked to him for a bit and told him to come home before we talked more. 

After we had hung up, Patrick stuck around for a while to talk. He told me that at work that day he found out that the boat he is assigned to is now in Guam. He said that he was told that day that in one week and a day, he would fly out to Guam to meet up with his boat, and following that he would be out to sea for about 4 months. Keep in mind that Patrick had arrived about a week and a half before this conversation. He still didn't have his furniture in his house. His car hadn't been shipped from New York yet. He was still living at our house. He doesn't even know his way around the town yet, and he would be shipped off. What a terrible thing.

Then it kind of hit me how selfish I have been lately. Nothing is as bad as I had made it out to be. Nothing can not be fixed. All of the things that I had been so consumed with have really been in my power. I allowed things to get the way they were. I hadn't taken control over anything that mattered to me. If I had just spoken up more, or just taken 15 minutes a night to do something that would make me happy, I wouldn't have been so upset. 

And at that moment, standing in front of me was a guy who really doesn't have any control. He's the one that should be angry. He JUST arrived in this town. He hasn't had the time to move into his new place. This will be the first time that he and his wife will be living alone together, and he is already being sent out. He will be gone for Thanksgiving, and he will be gone for Christmas. He might be gone for Valentines day. And Ashley, who also just arrived, will be here alone. That really really stinks. But there is nothing either one of them can do.

So I kind of changed my mindset. That I am lucky to be in the situation I am in. That things are actually going pretty well for me, and that I have a lot to look forward to. If I want to be happy, I am in control of that. I need to take time to do things for myself, so that I don't get spread so thin giving so much of myself to other people. This too shall pass, and soon enough we won't have any more house guests. It will just be Tim and I. And heck, we might even miss the extra company. 

today was my birthday.

In the past, my birthdays have let me down. Mostly because I expect them to be much grander than they actually turn out to be, or because a really close friend forgot to wish me a good day, or when I was really young- I would expect a gift that I had requested and things wouldn't go quite as planned. It was always, in different degrees, disappointing. 

However, this year, I didn't really have any expectations. I don't have any good friends around here, I'm not even in the same time zone. I don't have family around here. I wasn't planning a party. I didn't ask for anything in specific from Tim or my parents. Honestly, I was just happy to have the day off from work. 

Maybe because of that, my birthday was one of the best I have had in a few years. 

This morning Tim and I went out to breakfast in Poulsbo. It is a town about 10 min north of Silverdale. It is a really small town with an old downtown area with shops and little cafes,with a Norwegian theme. We went to a little place that served breakfast. I had apple strudel french toast, and Tim got eggs and toast. It was really cute, and the day actually turned out to be warm and sunny.

Then, on the way back from breakfast, Tim said he wanted to stop in the grocery store for some milk. He took the exit to do so, and I told him it was fine- that I had the whole day off and I would be able to get it later. Back Story: Every day on my way to work I pass a flower shop. It has an announcement board outside. On the one side it tells about sales going on, and on the other it will say "If your name is _________ come in for a free rose!" . The thing is, the names are always strange. Like Andy, Tami, Rodney, and things like that. Well, it is an ongoing conversation between Tim and I about how I pass that sign every day and it never says my name. And I was sure that the one time it did, I would have the day off from work and I would miss it all together. So we were driving down the road, and as we were approaching the flower shop, I noticed that the sign said "If your name is Bridgett..." Back Story: When I first met Tim, and gave him my number, he saved me in his phone as Bridgett (notice the extra "t"). Ever since he has been trying to back up that my name would look better like that, and that is 

how it should be spelled. It's a joke between us. And I, SO EXCITED, and not thinking said, "Look! It's my birthday! My name! Pull over! You have to pull over!". Tim did, and he said to me, "did you notice how it was spelled?" and it wasn't until then that I realized that HE had done it, that it wasn't just some big coincidence that my name was up there. He told me that he had planned it for a month, and requested it. We went inside and they had a beautiful flower arrangement ready for me. Also, because it WAS my name on the board, they gave me a free rose. I was SHOCKED. I was so happy. I took a few pictures of things, and on my way home, my face started hurting because I was smiling so much. 

This was the front of the store with my sign.

And these are the flowers that were waiting for me.

After that, I had nothing but a great day. I got text messages, phone calls, and facebook messages from my friends and family. I got a card from my dad in the mail. I got sung to, between my errands. I got a facebook video that made me cry. Patrick and Ashley took me out to dinner, where I got free dessert. Back home I had a cake that my mom had to me. Champion didn't eat anything important. I have beautiful flowers on the table, and the sign in front of the flower shop still tells me I have the best boyfriend I could ask for. What a nice day. 

And overall, I just realized how blessed I am to have all of these nice people in my life. I am a really lucky 24 year old. And that's a fact.